Too freaking hilarious

Well, cyber criminals are certainly creative; I’ll give them that.  The following e-mail popped up in my Inbox today.  I had to cut and paste the whole thing because it’s just too priceless, though I have annotated some of my own comments in bold.  Note that, in the actual e-mail, the top was emblazoned with an FBI logo under which it listed the cybercrime division.

Attention Beneficiary,

Records show that you are among one of the individuals and organizations who are yet to receive their overdue payment from overseas which includes those of Lottery/Gambling, Contract and Inheritance. (Tip off #1: atrocious grammar.  Attorneys, especially federal ones, have impeccable grammar.) Through our Fraud Monitory Unit (Their what?) we have also noticed that over the past you have been transacting with some imposters and fraudsters (scoundrels and rapscallions!) who have been impersonating the likes of Prof. Soludo of the Central Bank Of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Frank, Anderson, none officials of Oceanic Bank, Zenith Banks, Kelvin Young of HSBC, Ben of FedEx, Ibrahim Sule, Dr. Usman Shamsuddeen and some imposters claiming to be The Federal Bureau of Investigation (These guys must have a sense of humor.).

The Cyber Crime Division of the FBI gathered information from the Internet Crime Complaint Center (ICCC) formerly known as the Internet Fraud Complaint Center (IFCC) of how some people have lost outrageous (See note about lawyers above.  Bureaucrats don’t use words like ‘outrageous.’) sums of money to these imposters. As a result of this we hereby advise you to stop communication with any one not referred to you by us (Oh, OK, whatever you say sirs!).

We have negotiated with the Federal Ministry of Finance (Whose Federal Ministry of Finance?  This is America, dude.  We ain’t got no ‘ministries.’  They’re called ‘Departments,’ ‘Agencies,’ and ‘Bureaus’ around here, pal.) that your payment totaling $6,100,000.00 will be released to you via a custom pin based ATM card with a maximum withdrawal limit of $5,000 a day which is powered by Visa Card and can be used anywhere in the world were you see a Visa Card Logo on the Automatic Teller Machine (ATM). We have advised that this should be the only way at which you are to receive your payment because it’s more guaranteed, since over $5 billion was lost on fake cheque (Did I mention this is America?  It’s ‘check’ buddy.) last year 2008.

We guarantee 100% receipt of your payment, because we have perfected everything in regards to the release of your $6.1 million United States Dollars to be 100% risk free and free from any hitches as it’s our duty to protect citizens of the United States of America (Read that sentence again. Maybe it’s a Jedi mind trick.). (This is as a result of the mandate from US Government  to make sure all debts owed to citizens of American which includes Inheritance, Contract, Gambling/Lottery etc are been cleared for the betterment of the current economic status of the nation and its citizens as he (Who?) has always believed “Our Time for Change has come” because “Change can happen” (This is a joke, right?)).

Below are few list of tracking numbers (That don’t work.) you can track from UPS website to confirm people like you who have received their payment successfully.

Name : Donna L. Vargas: UPS Tracking Number: 1Z757F991598420403 (www.ups.com)
Name : Rovenda Elaine Clayton: UPS Tracking Number: 1Z757F991596606592 (www.ups.com)

To redeem your fund you are hereby advised to contact the ATM Card Center via email for their requirement to proceed and procure your Approval of Payment Warrant and Endorsement of your ATM Release Order on your behalf which will cost you $350.00 only (Ah, there’s the hitch!  I knew there was one in here somewhere.) nothing more and no hidden fees as everything else has been taken cared of by the Federal Government including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $350.00 only.
(Prepare to laugh.)

Contact Information
Name: Dr. Daniel Smith
Email: danielsmith11001@yahoo.cn
Phone: +234 -703 232 5254
(Maybe things are so tight in Washington that we’re outsourcing federal jobs to China and at such a deep discount that these employees have to use Yahoo e-mail.)
Do contact Dr. Daniel Smith of the ATM Card Center via his contact details above and furnish him with your details as listed below:

Your full Name:
Your Address:
Home phone:
Cell Phone:
Occupation:
Age:

On contacting him with your details, your files would be updated and he will be sending you the payment information in which you will use in making payment of $350.00 via Western Union Money Transfer (These guys are not very clever.) for the procurement of your Approval of Payment Warrant and Endorsement of your ATM Release Order. After which the delivery of your ATM card will be effected to your designated home address without any further delay, extra fee or any authority raising eyebrow (Yeah, like the FBI???).

Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive your ATM CARD Shippment Confirmation within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Once again we are so sure of you receiving your payment at no any other cost as we have taking it upon our duty to monitor everything in other to cub cyber crime that is perpetrated by those impostors (scoundrels and rapscallions!).

Thanks and hope to read from you soon. (Keep reading.)

ROBERT S. MUELLER,

DIRECTOR
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535
TELEPHONE: 206-666-5283 (I wonder how many calls the FBI will get from this.  Keep reading.)
FAX: 206-666-5283

Note: Disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM card, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Dr. Daniel Smith of the ATM card center who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your payment and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office via the above fax number so we could act upon it immediately. Help stop cyber crime. This has GOT to be a joke.

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2 Responses to “Too freaking hilarious”

  1. I just tried to grab the feed for the RSS for this blog but it is not displaying in Google Chrome. Any ideas?

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